1. |
Mind Over Matter
02:56
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How am I supposed to write about the protests and the tear gas and all the rubber bullets whistling through the streetlights bleeding brown, bleeding black, bleeding red, white, and blue, when I can’t get out of bed what the fuck am I to do? Fists raised in the air. Everyone’s bandages are glowing. It’s like a sick twisted rave and the police lights are the strobes. How am I supposed to want to change this fucked-up world we live in when half the fucking time I don’t even want to live?
And another one down. And another body hits the ground. Another name on the front page family in disgrace racist fingers pointing all around. And it’s another bad day where I can’t get out of bed. Staring at the ceiling. Gunshot ringing in my head. Why couldn’t it have gotten me instead?
Tell me how we’re gonna change the world. Tell me how you make it out of bed everyday with your fist in the air and the wind in your hair and the fire in your eyes still there. Tell me how we’re gonna make it through. Promise me we’re gonna make it out alive ‘cause I’m so tired of all the names piling up and the graves lining all of the roads we’re marching down.
Another protest. Another flyer. Let’s organize and fight this fire. Another huge crowd marching through the night. Another group of white supremacists egging on a fight. I tried to go. Swear I was there for a while stumbling and shivering at least a couple of miles but I panicked and I couldn’t breathe and left like a coward.
Tell me that we’re gonna make it through. Promise me we’re gonna make it through.
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2. |
Garbage
02:53
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I don't know why I thought I'd be different. I mean I'm still me and you're still ignoring this. But tonight, on this dark and stormy instance, only tonight, am I blinded by the distance.
Dumpster doll is that all you’ve got? Honesty, you’d rather not face it. That you never loved. Maybe one day your disgrace will let you rise above.
3 years ago, when we thought it best. Did we bite off too much to digest? Now 3 years on we lay burdens to rest. It seems this hatred is our best interest.
Carry your heart in a tin in your pocket. Curiously strong how you keep to yourself. Carry your heart in a dollar store locket. All that glitters will one day corrode.
You say I’m sadder but where are the clues? I’m sorry darling, that’s yesterday’s news
Garbage is all that you give. Promises all cast to the wind. Nothing will ever be the same. Maybe someday I’ll be graced with the luck to forget your name.
Here I am still the same. Here I am, I can't stay. Here I am gone today. Never mind the weather, I'm right as rain.
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3. |
Mountain Time
02:11
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I have an irrational fear every time I drive through the Altamont Pass that the windmill blades will detach and crush me to death. For every midnight drive you swear it means we’re almost home I wonder if it counts from a car wreck.
Honestly I’d rather just stay in bed forever but if you really need me I guess I’ll head downtown. Maybe we can start a fight and get ourselves kicked out for good. Maybe we can pass out on your couch.
I hate how when I go anywhere I always panic about the last time I was there. This anxiety deja vu is such a pain. It’s like no matter what I do I still have nightmares about high school and I’m still a fucking freak who cries when it rains.
Lucie called me yesterday and said she’s doing better. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I’ve been getting worse. We keep on making promises to see each other soon but lately I don’t know if we mean by amtrak or by hearse because I think I’m falling behind. I think I’m losing my mind. I just want to make it out alive.
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4. |
Cover Up Your Ears
02:37
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"Oh my dear, I’ve missed you so much," she said as she aimed to the right. A bead of sweat running down my scalp while she drew a bead in her sight. It was January or maybe March, either way it was 1986. I never guessed a girl could be so harsh - Is this how you get your kicks?
I could spend my days hidden away in a basement far far away but I could never bring myself to say it so cover up your ears.
Soon after I moved to the east, I was a busboy in Portland, Maine. Three days in stabbed my boss with a fork, I was just doing what he said: FORK IT OVER!
I rushed to the west, police on my tail, I hitchhiked along the Oregon trail. We were stopped in Salem, but I have never felt so alive.
LA LA LA LA LA LA LA
Cover up your ears.
LA LA LA LA LA LA LA
That’s why I’m in jail.
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5. |
Deadname
03:16
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Let’s start off with the things that I said yesterday. Oh wait, I said nothing but my hands are tied now and my stomach hurts and my fingers burn and you wonder why the tables turn.
Well I could try to feel it now but I’ve overthought it enough that now I feel nothing. There’s a burden that I’ve found trying to justify my thoughts. Still I feel nothing.
Do you want to come over? I’ll save you the burden of an invitation. "Will you know when I’m older?" you said. Just lemme sign my resignation.
Do you recall the moments you took me for pay? And I was frozen 'cause you had the world today. Tell me I’m valuable cause I can’t breathe and I’m so dutiful that i won’t leave.
I’ve got some secrets to tell you but they’re all lies. I hope you’re still the same to spread them, I hope you try. Cause what could be more poetic than you living a lie? Like we’re living now in this forgotten silence.
I hope you tell yourself that this is not deliberate but I actually hope that you construe. I'd say I don’t want to fight you but I think that’d be lying too
and honestly I have so many reasons and I think I just wanna win tonight.
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6. |
ALBUMOFTHEYEAR2014
03:33
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I don’t wanna go outside. I don’t wanna be alive. I don’t want to spend another day like this. Dark circles under both our eyes. The straight lines on our thighs. The voice that gives us both away every time.
I talked you down under the freeway sign. Pulled you back to the car by the hand and I’m so sorry about the pain in your chest ‘cause it’s identical to mine.
You could call home. They wouldn’t know what to say. I think they’d send you away. Take me away. Please don’t call. They wouldn’t say my name. Please take me away. Take me away.
Maybe I should get some help. Maybe I should kill myself. Hang from the ceiling with Against Me! playing in the background. It’s funny how it all aligns ‘cause it’s Laura’s voice every time. Black me out who’s gonna take me home tonight?
We tried to drink it away in the basement of your mother’s house like there might be a day where we could scream it out loud: I’M NOT SCARED ANYMORE AND THIS IS WHO I WANNA BE.
I tried to keep it together. I swear I tried to keep it together. Instead I’m bleeding on the bathroom floor. I just wanted to hurt ‘til I didn’t feel like a girl anymore.
I swear that it’s not forever. I swear it’s not forever. I can hear you on the other side of the bathroom door. I just want you to know I’ll always see you as the boy that you are.
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7. |
Crickets
04:06
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I took all my time. Strained on my back. Used up a summers level of emotion and conscience you lack. On anything other than all of the things I know I cannot have.
I mean to be kind but really I'm rude. Assuming a one-sided number on you I know nothing of but somewhat revere for reasons I fail to see that are here.
Try but I try to get you out of my mind but you keep coming back at inconvenient times. Like when I'm all alone in my life thinking about myself. Go to hell. Or at least some place far but close enough I can see your face. You know I miss you everyday.
Called you once or twice. You put me on hold. There was no wait music so I hung up the phone and saw you day next and didn't say jack shit about how your notable features were primed in my mind.
Didn’t I notice that you would have eyes?
Didn’t you notice that I might?
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8. |
Eggs
02:20
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And I asked, "what about the time when you forgot your mom’s birthday and how I showed up with the 7 eggs of Fabergé?"
And I, I’m selfish in my existential crisis. I’ll leave you out, I’d bring you down. I’ll never let you come around. How could I, why should I even try?
And I asked, "was this all just some façade that you called forever?" They’re pretty close maybe you’ve just switched up a few of the letters.
And you, you’re helpless when you’re left to your own devices. You cut me out, I brought you down. You fled away to some new town. Why should I, why did I even try?
I’ve said it all before. But here we are once more. Come to blows over semaphores. I don’t need you anymore.
And you. You can’t quite see the depth of my sacrifices. This lamb of god, I bring to you. But you’re a vegan, so I am too. Why did I ever try?
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9. |
Hand Me Downs
02:43
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I've got this picture of you stacked on my desk now on the wall nailed to a bulletin from a photo booth of us looking so young and i haven't thought much of how you're no longer my friend but I write you once or twice, we talk, it amounts to nothing.
I've got some pictures of you facebook reminds me that we had and I can’t help but remember.
Now it’s been well over a year sometimes I forget you exist. How we’d talk keyhole and testosterone and trends and what you wished. It was never about me but you bought me presents like a kid. You were family and now you’re not. Now you’re nothing.
I hope you’re happy but i’ve got a stronger feeling that you’re not. Do you still love me? Did you ever?
I’ve got nothing to show. I feel worse than I did.
I took off the pin that you gave me last winter. It's so sad and you wouldn't know it's still in the pocket of a jacket that i had the day we saw each other the time before we gave you all your stuff but it's in Pennsylvania and you've forgotten me and I've given up.
I guess we never were friends. I guess really never were quite friends but I never really had friends so you were the closest that I got. But now you don’t know me but say shit as if you do and i’m still thirteen, incompetent, and never human.
You're so unattached to me. I'm just a kid who you could stand but you call me family but we don’t speak - we never would speak - sometimes I still miss you.
I still have the shirt that you gave me. I wear it most every week but it doesn't cross my mind as yours. I don't really take much time to think
of the five years you spent at my house watching me grow up and hate myself and telling me your problems and wearing yourself out.
I hope you’re well.
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10. |
Scotty
04:14
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We said goodbye to you in the rain. To your reflection in a puddle of mud. The same afternoon as another friend’s funeral a hundred miles away and seven hours from home. And it hurts but I know I wasn’t really expected to go but I know if we had we might’ve made it through. I’m on another overnight drive with five more hours to go. It seems like we barely survived. Don’t know quite what to expect tomorrow because last night on the phone we decided to move north together so you could get the scene change that you need and I could drown myself in the Willamette River. White knuckles on the steering wheel coughing up black smoke on an i-5 hill and I’m begging under my breath:
Please don’t break down again.
I’m in a stuffy too-small dorm room. You’re getting drunk in your garage alone. Try not to think about the miles between us as we yell at each other on the phone ‘cause I know in the end it makes more sense to hate each other as friends. Yeah, I know in the end it makes more sense to hate each other as friends. Engine shuddering under my feet grinding and coming apart somewhere on 80 East and I’m whispering through clenched teeth:
Please don’t break down again.
Do I miss you? Does it matter? Don’t you flatter yourself because there’s a hole in my heart and a weight on my chest like four car collision on the interstate at 65 miles an hour.
Please don’t break down again.
Please don’t break. You know better than to break down.
I guess it bears repeating because it feels just like:
Please don’t break down again.
Please don’t break. You know better than to break down.
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11. |
Fork In The Road
03:52
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In the dark of cell block 93. Four hours north of Portland where they found me. So far away from the place that I know best. Broken down, looking towards the west.
Lift my eyes to the morning sun. Haven't felt like this since I got on the run. Waxing moon and a waning wick. I'm out of time, I guess. She finally got her kicks.
But you can't stop me now.
Lost my mind to the mountain time. Lost my mind to the sand. Lost my self to this wretched place with no time on my hands. You can't beat me senseless but soon it will be spring. April showers bring maybes and flowers to preserve my memory. You killed me but not my dream.
I've been in these four walls now for god knows how long. I used to keep track but the chalk lines are gone. I've been told I'm a menace and there's hate in my voice. Do you think I'd be here if I had a choice? I'm not ashamed of what I am. I'm a poor boy with survival and blood on my hands and I'm running out of places to go.
We've come to this fork in the road so brace yourself. I'm never coming home.
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Sarchasm Berkeley, California
Sarchasm are three introverts with lisps of varying severity and radically different coffeeshop orders, unified by their love of superheroes, burritos, and ugly button-up shirts. They make music about mountains and friendships gone wrong.
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